Week 3 – Florence Blows!

No question Hurricane Florence is having an impact this weekend, particularly on ACC and other football.   Did not see Ole Miss involvement but starting to make sense……

The Piedmont Padre is preparing for the arrival of Florence but expect some divine wisdom soon, before the power goes out……GENERATOR NOW ON!!!

Florida Gators  31    Colorado State Rams   27

Gators pull it out with a late stop on defense.  Meanwhile, the rebuilding project in Hogtown ( that’s Gainesville for non-gators ) is clearly a long, long, long road.  That road is littered with Mac’s BBQ Sauce ( yes, that was real ), Muschamp’s tirades at the refs, Meyer’s chest pain medicine, and about 37 different QB’s who had trouble completing a 5-yard forward pass.  It’s a dangerous road full of broken hearts….and fake heart attacks!

Auburn Tigers   30   LSU Tigers   20

Malzhan New Nike Ad:  ” Believe in something.  Even if it means chewing 75 pieces of gum during a game while wearing a 1985 sweater vest inspired by the 80’s Mike Ditka Fan Club.”    Coach O New Nike Ad:  ” Believe in something.  Even if it means speaking the dialect of Cajun-Klingon.”

Okie State Cowboys   37   Boise State Broncos  31

“Seriously.  Look at that mullet pic below.  God bless this man. God bless him and his hair!

 

BAMA   44       Ole Miss Landsharks   24

Ole Miss plays well for around a half, but Bama is just too much.  Meanwhile, Saban is furious after the game that Jalen Hurts isn’t ALSO in the Heisman contention like Tua.  “We have 2 QBs.  We play them both.  Didn’t you see that?!  But the fake news media acts like we’ve made our decision.   Tua played 68 snaps.  Jalen played 6 snaps.   It’s CLEAR we like them equally.  SO STOP ASKING ME ABOUT IT!” –  Nick Saban

Ohio  State Buckeyes    27      TCU Horned Frogs     17

Without Meyer, the Bucknuts still find a way.   Then Meyer returns and Ohio State begins their mighty schedule against the likes of Indiana, Purdue, and Minnesota.

West Virginia    vs    NC State ——    Hurricane Florence Wins!

VANDY 23     Notre Dame  20   UPSET OF THE WEEK!  

Yup.  I just went there.   Derek Mason takes his boys into South Bend and wins by blocking a FG at the end that would have sent it to OT.   Notre Dame has three + turnovers during the game and Vandy capitalizes!   Touchdown Jesus then sends frogs and locusts upon Nashville, TN.

Padre headed back out to his yard to prepare for a plague simply for picking ND to lose!

 

ZT has just finished a pan of brownies ( regular, straight Duncan Hines, not those special Colorado ones! ) with a can of extra creamy Redi-Whip.   Means I have “My Mind Right, Bossman” so here we go:

Ohio State Buckeyes  38   TCU Horned Frogs  17

Buckeyes have one more week without Urban on the sidelines ( rumor is he watches all games at BWW and sits with that bartender who can “make things happen” on any game as long as you order more Bud Light ).  TCU counting on QB Shawn Robinson avoiding INTs and making something happen with his legs.   Unfortunately, OSU is not SMU, even though they both have 3 letters.   To make matters worse, TCU suspends HC Gary Paterson for this game after he is spotted wearing a T-shirt that says “Horny for Life” by  Baptist & Presbyterian board members while they were walking into a package store.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish    37   Vandy   20

Irish had a big let down against Ball State after beating Harbaugh’s Wolverines in week 1!  Vandy had a nice showing against the Nevada Wolf Pack and has been one of the best this season in takeaways!   They have the “Turnover Flashdrive” for the defense.   Best news?   Commodores did NOT have anyone say “Bring on the Irish” after the game.  HC Mason told them “No extra Lab time this week if you geeks say anything!”  It worked!  Irish QB Wimbush has not given the luckiest team in America much to feel good about in the first 2 weeks.   Even some of the Jameson drinkers have called for him to be excommunicated, I mean benched for #2 Ian Book.   HC Kelly has no worries this week and even  Touchdown Jesus goes to the Carolinas to practice walking on water.

” Did ZT just say that?”

Boise State Broncos      34       Ok State Cowboys      31         UPSET SPECIAL

Get ready for some fireworks in Stillwater!    Broncos HC Harsin knows he has to do 2 things to win this game:  Score often and get a few stops on an OK State team that piled up almost 1,400 yards in 2 “warm up” games.   Boise will count on Senior QB Brett Rypien ( yep, nephew of NFL QB Mark Rypien ) to lead the charge and he is up to the task.  Cowboy HC Gundy is known for his mullet and text message responses of less than 10 letters.   QB Cornelius will keep this game to a 4th quarter contest but come up just a bit short.   At the post game presser, after a reporter asks “what happened with your team today coach?”  Gundy responds ” I’m a Man!, I’m NOW 50 so come at ME……just not too fast because I may get dizzy and have to puke.”

Auburn Tigers    24     LSU Tigahs   20

Can you say “circled game” for Auburn?   What?  YES, as you recall in 2017, LSU got back on track after a loss to Troy via a huge comeback win against Auburn.   Noting AU beat Georgia & Bama down the stretch, they look back at the collapse against LSU and it still smells like bad swamp water.  TIGAHS are much improved with QB Burrows at the helm and always have a tough, physical defense.   Won’t be enough, TIGERS have too much and are at home in Jordan-Hare.   This one will be closer than the experts think with AU QB Stidham leading a drive to win it late in the 4th.   In a show of sportsmanship, Malzahn invites Coach O to join him for a Waffle House meal after the game.   Slight incident as a waitress named Flo thinks Coach O is drunk after he attempts to order some “hashbrowns scattered, smothered, and covered.”  She thinks he said ” Has Brown scratched yo Mutha unda da cover?”  

BAMA    48   Ole Miss Rebels/Ackbars/Landsharks     31

OK…..is this really Alabama Football with a Vegas under/over of 71?  Well, get ready for something that may look a bit like a Mountain West shoot out!  Bama, with Tua, a speedy corps of young receivers, and at least 4 SEC caliber RBs is hard to stop.  Ole Miss HC Luke noted “not much film in the Red Zone or Goal line to study on these guys!”  Saban has made a kicking change to Redshirt Freshman Joseph “my other watch is a ” Bulovas after the previous kicker missed 3 XP’s in the opening 2 games.   Can’t call his name because it was officially removed from all official University of Alabama records and even the U of A President issued an executive order to never speak or write his name in public for all eternity.   After the game, an ESPN mic picks up Hurts telling Tua  “Mess with me much more and you WILL be living in a Pineapple under the  Sea!”

ZT headed to Sonic for 1/2 price shakes after 8pm!