Week 4 – Urban back from 3 weeks at a BWW in the ‘burbs!

 

Matt Luke FEMA 1

The Padre is drying out, literally, in NC while ZT is recovering from a trip to the Bayou with some LSU TIGAHS who were still singing “Fight for LSU” in church on Sunday!

The Padre has been enlightened by a divine rainbow and is ready to bestow pigskin wisdom on the masses….

Florida Gators    62     Tennessee Volunteers   37

Fulmer and his Vols dominate the 1st half, but then Spurrier and Wuerffel score 48 unanswered points on their way to an undefeated regular season!!   I think this Gator team could go all the way.   Just worried about Tommy Frazier and Nebraska.  They look good.   If Florida doesn’t win it this year, they certainly will next year.  I say Danny gets a Heisman too!  Manning?  Spshhh. Overrated.  Just watch.  He won’t amount to anything in the NFL………………………..  23 years later, and back to reality.  Both teams massively stink and no one cares about this game but Gator and Vols fans.     Vols win  27-16.  Meanwhile, I begin wearing 1995 sweater vests and visors, and when people ask me how my team is doing?   I just say ” Hurricane Spurrier.”——-some will get “Da” joke.

Georgia Bulldogs    44  Mizzou  Tigers   17

Mizzou probably scores early on Georgia like Ole Miss did on Bama.  Everybody goes on social media and loses their minds ( just like they did with Ole Miss and Bama ).  Then reality sets in when Georgia lines up in the I-Formation.   Literally calls out their play to the Mizzou players, and still runs it right down their throat.  Bulldogs win bigger than the score.  Meanwhile, Spurrier beat Georgia 11 out of 12 years at Florida. So “Hurricane Spurrier!”

BAMA 48    Texas A & M Aggies   16

Every Bama fan I know is baffled by the massive point spread in this game.   Yet, NOBODY will be shocked when Tua and Co. absolutely dominate.  After the game:  Reporter:  “Tua went 23 for 24 and 457 yards.  Jalen went 4 for 13 for 27 yards.  It’s clear that Tua is the starter, right?”     SABAN: ”  I don’t know what game you were watching, but take your FAKE NEWS garbage reporting and go somewhere else.  We have 2 QB’s and they are both amazing!”

Miss State Bulldogs   38   Kentucky Wildcats 17

Everyone thinks this is a possible upset.  I don’t see it.  Kentucky did not beat a great Florida team.  They beat a FCS Florida team.  I say Miss State dominates big time, and then it’s almost basketball season again in Lexington.

Stanford Cardinal   27   Oregon Ducks  26

It’s hard to win in Eugene, Oregon.  But this isn’t the Chip Kelly days!  I mean, the football players are clearly tired from having to pump their own gas now!….Once again, it’s funny if you what I’m talking about!

Arizona State  24  Washington  Huskies   23    UPSET OF THE WEEK

I know it’s crazy to predict this outcome, but I came close with Vandy/ND last week.  Gonna go for it again!  The Fightin’ Herms play to win the game and this day they win it!  Another old school reference.   I’m officially out of them now!

PS to Old School:  Hurricane Ditka may be tougher than Hurricane Spurrier but Hurricane Spurrier is much faster.  Can’t tackle what you can’t catch!  And just in case you missed that SNL skit, go find it….

Hurricane Ditka

The Padre is now off to watch 1990’s clips of Gator football on YouTube while drowning his sorrows 90’s style with Bagel Bites and Zima………I’m OUT!

ZT just finished a Quarter Pounder ( w/cheese ), Super Size Fry, a Hot Apple Pie and a Diet Dr. Pepper in honor of Larry ( last one I will drink until the “fansville” crap is off!).

Washington State Cougars 31  USC Trojans 28   FRIDAY NIGHT UPSET SPECIAL

ZT couldn’t stand not getting in on this one!   Last year was just up the road from Pullman when the Cougars took down the Trojans.  One problem this year… Mike “Pirate” Leach will be sailing down to LA for a game USC has had circled for 364 days!   Cougars’ graduate transfer QB Gardner Minshew II ( MS native & East Carolina PIRATE ) who chose WSU over BAMA ( must have seen Saban run out of fuel on the lake ) has over 1,200 yds. & 8 TD’s in his 1st 3 games!  USC looked like a used Trojan in last 2 games @ Stanford and @ Texas.   HC Helton needs this win to avoid having the temperature of his coaching seat being measured on the Kelvin scale!  ZT thinks Helton should buy some underwear with asbestos.  Not to mention, how can I pick against a team that has a relative of Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite as their QB ( see pic below )!!   After the game, Leach restates ” I’m pretty sure there is no Bigfoot but do think there are Aliens.   Not the little green men or where lightning strikes mud and a beetle comes out but more from a biblical approach.”….not sure what version includes aliens……………

uncle Rico Gardner Minshew

Florida Gators  27    Tennessee Volunteers  24

Gators and Vols enter the 2018 contest with new HC’s in place.  No question Mullen is under more pressure than Pruitt in this 1st meeting.  UF is 2-1 with a nice rebound win vs. Colorado State after losing to Kentucky which hadn’t happened since Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was the top movie, Walk like an Egyptian was playing on MTV and “The Clapper” was a must-have product for couch potatoes everywhere.  Ok, back to the battle for 3rd in the SEC East……..Vols are 2-1 as well with a loss to former UF QB Will Grier & the Mountaineers in the opener.  Going with the SEC Home Underdog Vols to keep it closer than the experts predict but lose on a late FG.   After the game, Pruitt is asked about the Vols future and states with a big smile ” We are just looking for a Pru good Men!”  UT AD issues him an immediate warning to NEVER try to be funny again or he will be terminated per the morals clause in his contract.

Arkansas Razorbacks   17    Auburn Tigers   51   ( did you think ZT was going ARK by putting them in the 1st position? )

ZT Googles Arkansas football and Arkansas State comes up first!!   What is going on in Fayetteville?   Just to make the seat a little hotter for HC Chad Morris in his 1st year, Razorback AD announces new contracts for HC’s in 6 OTHER sports!  In fairness, the cupboards are bare and he has to be given time to get some talent in town.   So, what to do when the going gets tough?  Take some advice from the Delta House in Animal House for a ROAD TRIP!!!!!   Bad news is they turn south in Birmingham and end up in Auburn where a den of injured Tigers is out for blood after a tough LSU loss at home.   Tigers LOVE BACON and they get all they want on Saturday.   After this one, Malzahn ( with a tag on the front of his car that says “I got 6 years, how bout you?” ) shocks the paparazzi by skipping the Waffle House and going through the Taco Bell drive thru.   When asked about it, Gus say “We ate so much Bacon and Hog today, I had to have something different…….And their pork tacos are great!!”

TCU Horned Frogs   28      Texas Longhorns  24

Texas Longhorns are fresh off a nice win over USC but the Burnt Orange Nation has to get ready for a TCU team that loves their position as “elite program rejects!”  Horned Frog HC Gary Patterson has done a nice job of playing to that culture!   Fun Fact:  Not 1 starter on TCU’s Defense received an offer from Texas with only 3 on offense being worthy of a Longhorn visit/offer.    TCU brings a 4 game win streak over Texas to Austin this weekend.  The big question is:  Was the TCU loss to OSU a bigger deal than the Texas win of USC to each team’s psyche?   ZT likes the Horned Frog moxie!   Around Midnight, Texas HC Herman is spotted heading into a place called the Uranus Lounge.  When questioned by the media he states ” After a loss, I find peace checking out asteroids and the milky way with my telescope.   Been doing it since I was at Ohio State.  Ask Urban.”

BAMA   47     Texas A & M Aggies    24

Jimbo and the #22 Aggies come to T-Town looking to upset the Tide.  They have the tools to make it happen!  Solid Defense and a very strong QB in Kellen Mond.  Don’t forget, Aggies held Clemson to 28 points and scored 26 on one of the best defenses of 2018!  So, Bama defense will be tested and a bit exposed.   I do think A & M will employ an “ancient” Bama technique and try to run the ball slow down the number of “Tua touches”.   Not sure it matters in the end.   Expect to see BAMA play the same offense they have been.  Why not when you hang 50+ on everyone.  Won’t happen this week and Jalen will see much less time as Tua is needed to put this one out of reach in the early 4th quarter.  As they meet at midfield after the game,  Jimbo ( with his 10 year-$75mm contract ) tells Nick ” You still owe me for the raise!” To which Nick ( who subsequently got a new 8 year – $74mm deal ) responds  ” Win some games so we can do it again next year!”   At the same time, Tonya Harding is spotted winking at Jalen….Hmmm..

ZT is headed to CiCi’s Pizza because you can eat a cereal bowl of black olives off the buffet ( which is Mediterranean and good for you ) and chase it down with a pizza that is actually a cinnamon roll ( and cinnamon is good for you too as I have seen it in capsule form at the local Walgreen! )….All that for $5.99…What a country!!