Week 3 – Men on Fire

ZT loves the Denzel Washington movie titled “Man on Fire”……if you haven’t seen it, you should…….When a guy’s best friend is Christopher Walken, you know you are in for a good one.

That said…..the Men on Fire we are talking about are NCAA Football Coaches who are being paid the big bucks and currently trying to figure out how to put out a Dumpster Fire in their specific locations…….

So…outside of UT’s Jeremy “flame out” Pruitt, who else is sitting on a Dura-Flame log, with 10 lbs. of Sterno & 20 Gallons of gas underneath them with a few 70-year old rich dudes flicking wooden box matches at them as of this posting…….

Willie “It’s Hot Up in Here” Taggart of FSU…..Has done the unthinkable in turning a once-feared Seminole Nation into the equivalent of a Dr. Phil therapy Group….

“Mesquite” Chip Kelly of UCLA……. Hard enough to generate support in an NFL market so don’t help it out by going 3-11.   Being born in New Hampshire, maybe he can call his neighbor Uncle Bernie Sanders and have some those losses redistributed from some other team’s wins…..

Kevin ” Dutch Oven” Sumlin of AZ via TX A &M……..Dude, the players are NOT your friends…they are college students and need someone to hold them accountable!…if you want to be someone’s friend, go to Disneyland…..

Will “Burning Hulk” Muschamp of South Carolina……. Looks like Tarzan, Coaches like Jane….

“Dangling” Chad Morris of Arkansas…..Even lost the SEC Loser Bowl against the Ole Miss Rebel/Landshark/Akbars……..  SEC to vote next week to trade them for Memphis…

Charlie  ” I really ain’t that ” Strong of the South Florida Steers ( lost Bull Status )…..lost their “manhood” a few seasons ago so send them to a table on a skewer at Fago De Chao Brazilian Steakhouse…..

One other item on ZT’s list this week.    About an angry little guy in Tuscaloosa who is always looking for something to “elevate” ( aka bitch ) about.    So, here he goes after the students, AGAIN…. Glad to know Bama has now scheduled some Home-Home deals with Notre Dame, Wisconsin, and Texas for starters.   So, in the words of Sargent Hulka in the movie Stripes….  “Lighten up Francis ( aka Nick!)”……  Actually glad some students left in the 4th Quarter vs. watching the 62-10 rout to the end and playing the “everyone does a shot if Bama scores in 5 plays or less” game……..leave that for the Alumni!!   ZT thinks Nick is actually auditioning for the part of Grumpy in the Broadway version of “Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs”  due to open in 2020 ( can you say dwarfs anymore? I know midget is ok as I went to a midget toss at a bar in Mississippi once)…………

 

ZT has been in Texas this week and eaten SO MUCH meat in the last 48 hours that even Hannibal Lecter may earn “Vegan Status” when compared to ZT’s carnivorous intake!!

ZT went heavy on upsets in Week 2…..yep, a little early in the season but guess it was an adverse reaction to eating a clam pizza ( got it on sale at the Tiger Truck Stop in Grosse Tete, LA en route to TX…..remember ZT is trying to pay for a new roof on his house by eating a little cheaper…)

ZT’s Friday Night Appetizer

Washington State Cougars  38   Houston Cougars   31

Not much good can happen when you get too many cougars together and not just in football……  Washington State and HC Pirate Mike Leach travel to Houston this week ( watch your meat portions Mike ).  WSU has run it up nicely over a couple of punk teams as they look to improve over a very nice 2018 season.  Leach noted  “Friday night is for high school football in Texas” and he knows from his coaching days at Texas Tech.  He is correct but ESPN and the $$$ say “you will play when we say you do!!!”  Houston scored 31 on Oklahoma but 21 of this was in the late stages of the game.  HC Dana Hogerson needs his QB D’Eriq “da” King ( dual threat guy ) to be the best on the field if Houston is to pull the upset.   WSU wins it to go 3-0 but closer that Vegas sees it.    Mascots get confused and get on the wrong team buses after the game……Houston Cougar Mascot “Shasta” says he will just stay in Washington while WSU Cougar Mascot “Butch the Cougar” says he is too conflicted in Washington and thinks a name like Butch fits better in Texas anyway………… A 2-Cougar Happy Ending…….

ZT and the Padre back later with Saturday Prognostications………

ZT is BACK from his favorite Mexican place after knocking out a Chile relleno and a Fried Ice Cream…….Brain Food!!

ZT Full Portion Prognostications

#9 Florida Gators  31  Kentucky Wildcats 21

One of the better SEC storylines this week with a pair of 2-0 teams squaring off……Wildcats count on Troy transfer & 2018 Dollar General Bowl QB Sawyer Smith to lead the charge after starting QB Wilson was injured and is now out for the season.   He will not get a warm welcome from the cold-blooded Gators who are still very angry ( and not because of the size of their medulla oblongata ) about the loss to KY in Gainesville last year.  Expect the UF defense to make some plays while QB Felipe “French” Franks gets some redemption after being benched in 2017 and a poor showing in 2018.   UK HC Mark Stoops has done a solid job in Lexington but don’t see it this year.  Mullen and his repulsive reptiles go to 3-0.

#1 Clemson Tigers  41  Syracuse Orangemen 10

Just like having to go on a date with Roseanne Barr, this thing will be ugly and painful!!  The Orangemen have give Dabo’s Tigers all they want in the past 2 years to include the upset in the Carrier Dome in 2017 & knocking  QB Lawrence out of the game in 2018.  Problem is this is 2019 and the Orange Magic is going to look more like Heavy Pulp O.J. when this one is done.

FSU Seminoles  23   #25 Virginia Cavaliers 31

VA HC Bronco Mendenhall ( love that name for a football coach! ) is now in his 4th year ( formerly BYU HC for Noles’ fans ) and has the Cavs on the updraft as they are 2-0 for the 1st time since 2012.  5th year QB Bryce Perkins is a dual threat and could easily exploit a Seminole defense ranked near the bottom in rushing, passing, scoring, total defense and missed classes.  They have trended up in nicely in hydration.   Offense has been better, statistically, for FSU but they face a 14th ranked UVA defense so no easy day for Willie T’s boys.  FSU did add former USF HC Jim Leavitt this week to help his defense…..ZT thinks they should have called The Rock and The Undertaker from the WWE instead…

#5 Oklahoma Sooners 49  UCLA Bruins 23

UCLA best plan to “upset” Oklahoma is to NOT UPSET Oklahoma!!  Bruins are 0-2 and fresh off a 23-14 loss to San Diego “I am not even a” State Aztecs.   OU QB Jalen ” Motivated to Beat EVERYONE so bad it” Hurts is currently  the #1 Heisman Contender and has a QBR 50 points HIGHER than his little pineapple-loving buddy in Tuscaloosa.   Sooners just need some fine-tuning to include a reduction in penalties and continuing to build confidence/momentum on Defense.   UCLA QB Thompson-Robinson has not cracked the top 100 yet.   Bruins also lost 4 on the O-line to the NFL draft and this adds up to realizing the only thing that will be beautiful for Californians on Saturday will be the sunset……   After the game, Bruin HC Chip Kelly goes on Indeed & LinkedIn statuses to “Open for Opportunities”

ZT Quick Snack Picks

Bama 38  South Carolina Gamecocks  24

Bama stays in control but can never really put this one away….Gamecock fans start to leave early in the 4th Qtr. and Saban goes to yell at their student section!  SC Mascot “Cocky” impales Nick with his beak…Surgery for removal set for Monday but Tide moves to 3-0.   Gary Danielson stops by to visit  and is escorted from the building when he waves at 2 Navy Men across the waiting room and says ” Thanks for your service guys…I love me some Sea Men!!”

Troy Trojans  27  Southern Miss Eagles  24

Trojan Men are lead by HC Chip Lindsey who was actually OC in Hattiesburg in 2015.  Last time these 2 met, Troy got the W in 2016.  ZT believes the Eagles will be distracted knowing they travel to T-Town next week.  Vegas says Trojans are favored, just like they are in truck stop bathroom dispensers around the country and ZT agrees.

Texas Longhorns   48   Rice Owls  10

Steers look to rebound from a Tigah thrashing last week…….looks like a steady diet of 0-2 Rice is just what the veterinarian ordered.   To add insult to the situation,  BEVO drops a “chip” by the Owls’ Locker Room and 4 Rice Players along with Uncle Ben are injured coming out for the 2nd half….

Mississippi State Bulldogs   34     Kansas State Wildcats  21

Bulldogs are 2-0 with wins over  LA-Lafayette and So. Miss.   HC Joe Moorhead is enjoying the services of Penn State transfer QB Tommy Stevens but some question about his health after a shoulder injury last week.  K State has taken out 2 b-level teams under 1st year HC Chris Klieman.  Nice start replacing a legend but he won’t enjoy this trip to Starkville.  Those cowbells are more annoying than a mini-van from Vermont driving in the left-hand lane on the Interstate.   Dogs bury the bone in this one.

UT Knoxville VOLS  45   UT Chattanooga Mocs  13  –  Hillbilly Upset Special

Vols find a way NOT to lose this one but NO ONE in Knoxville is happy.  So unhappy that it was determined the press conference podium drink, while in a Mountain Dew bottle ( yes, it was invented in Knoxville in 1940 ), turned out NOT to be Dew!!   Pruitt downs it anyway and states “it’s better than what I have been eating the last 2 weeks!”

OK State HC Mike Gundy was notified he was included in prominent OSU Alumnus T. Boone Pickens Will……..unfortunately, was a little different than he thought….

 

ZT is still trying to get over his Texas meat sweats and plans to just eat some hummus and drink some Naturdays’ this weekend…………ok, probably no hummus….

Padre is counseling a church member who just proclaimed ” I am not a Christian, I am a Methodist”……he should have this settled before ESPN GameDay is over!!!