AMERICA NEEDS COLLEGE FOOTBALL IN 2020!!! ZT has run much of the Covid-19 gamut from a positive test, being quarantined to a single area of the house ( kitchen EXCLUDED which is tough for a guy that weighs over 1/8 of a ton ) with only my wife as a a caretaker ( I am now convinced she was a Roman Prison Guard in a previously life! ), to contact tracing in 60+ locations as part of my day job ( yes, I know the readers are NOT surprised this blog is not where I bring home the Benjamins! ) and on and on.
Very glad to see the SEC, Big 12, ACC and a few others forge ahead with a modified plan. Was not sure about the opener with Central Arkansas Bears vs. Austin Peay ( yes, pronounced PEE) Governors kicking off in Montgomery but turned out to be just what ZT needed!!! Opening play was a 75-yard TD from scrimmage by Austin Peay’s Freshman CJ Evans. Love the chant as the fans yelled ” Let’s Go Peay!!” Final Score was a go-ahead TB pass by Central Ark with 34 seconds remaining but wasn’t over until a Hail Mary from the Govs was intercepted at the Goal Line as time expired. YES!!! That is what we need in a season opener!!!!
Now…ZT has had to consider the dreadful “what if” the SEC, set to start in late September, doesn’t get off the ground due to 12 Campus-wide Toga parties with students drinking shots from freshman’s belly buttons. My biggest question is not about fans, players, or vendors but what would the Head Coaches do this fall if the season was cancelled/postponed. ZT & Padre had to do some dark web, deep-state type research to figure this out and without further adieu, here we go…..
Auburn Tigers Head Coach – Gus Malzahn
We all know Gus and the Malzahn family love W-H almost as much as ZT does. Last report is he actually owns 22 locations. Head to the “Loveliest Village on the Plains” and get a double order of “scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, and peppered” hash browns. Gus will have them to you before the Touch Tunes machine can finish playing Fat Bottom Girls.
Georgia Bulldog Head Coach – Kirby Smart
Being a young guy with a lot of energy, Kirby will open the first of a chain of drive-thru hair shops called “Bowl-Cut Barber”. Slogan ” If we ain’t finished in 2, it won’t cost You” noting the time from start to finish. Tracks with Georgia’s ability to win in playoffs as well. Additionally, found out Kirby is a closet fan of the band Devo and is assembling a Devo Cover Band named……………. “Devo Cover Band”.
Mississippi State Bulldog Head Coach – Mike Leach
Many people, including Dr. Fauci, have speculated Mike Leach may have been the real Patient Zero of the Corona Virus based on his actions/reactions over the past 5 years. Leach has already signed up for Space Force as well as to be 1st passenger on a manned Space – X flight. As noted above, he mentally lives out there anyway so why not just go and stay! He is being considered for the lead role in “Martian 2”
Ole Miss “whatever their mascot is this year” Head Coach – Lane Kiffin
Well….just what America needs now is a lower class version of The Bachelor. Turning this guy loose on The Grove on a Saturday in the Fall would have been a different kind of pandemic for sure. After his stent at Bama under the alias of Joey Freshwater, L.K. will spend the cancelled season working on a new reality TV show called “Lane Bangers” on the new network ScumFlix and will feature women who would like to sleep with him. Unfortunately, they have not found any takers to include an offer to “double your pay and a free tube of Ben-Gay” to everyone in Amsterdam’s famous Red Light District.
LSU TIGAHS Head Coach – Coach O
Coach O, fresh off his 2019 National Championship, has accepted a position to record Audio Books for the Hearing Impaired. Publisher felt volume was much more important than pronunciation.
Vanderbilt Commodores Head Coach – Derek Mason
As we have seen in some of his post game field interviews and the dust up with Dan Mullen, we were not surprised to learn he will be the newest member of the WWE. Word is his ring name will be “Tidal Basin Mason” and his signature move off the top rope will be the Anchor’s Away.
Texas A & M Aggie Head Coach – Jimbo Fisher
In his effort be accepted by the good people of Texas, Jimbo decides to make use of Kyle Field and try his hand as a rancher. Being scared of UT’s Bevo, he buys 100 sheep but quickly realizes the variety he purchased are Hampshire Sheep and they produce no horns! Not a good thing when one of your team’s yells is “Gig ’em”
Florida Gators Head Coach – Dan Mullen
This set up was actually DEMANDED by Dan’s cute bride Megan. As most are aware, she is known to kiss all the players as they get off the team bus. No doubt Covid-19 has cramped her style. So, the lovely couple will have this booth set up at exit 390 off I-75 and give all contributions to watch them lock lips and swap spit to the “Helping Gators with Small Medulla Oblongatas Fund”
Tennessee Volunteers Head Coach – Jeremy Pruitt
Research indicated Coneheads is his favorite movie of all time. When asked about it, Pruitt said ” Never seen the movie.” Hmm. He did comment most of his family said this shape just fits him. UT fans say it reminds them of Kiffin.
Arkansas Razorbacks Head Coach – Sam Pittman
Pretty simple, Pittman recognizes that if cancelled, this is likely to be his most successful season at Arkansas so he is working on studying how to be a professional mascot after he gets his buyout. Good move noting they had 6 different HC’s in the past decade.
South Carolina Gamecocks Head Coach – Will “Seamus” Muschamp
Muschamp wanted the WWE gig that Vandy’s Mason landed but the legal team as well as the Undertaker and a few others, just thought it was too dangerous to turn him loose in the squared circle. So, not surprised to see him become a top contender at the Highland Games. He was quoted, when asked about wearing the kilt “My ‘set’ just doesn’t do well in trousers and I also love that tartan (sk) sauce they have at Captain D’s!” Enough said..
Missouri Tigers Head Coach – Eli Drinkwitz
Fresh from a nice run at Appy State, Eli realized he had applied for the wrong job. Thought he was set to be head Mixologist for an Applebee’s in Columbia. Just felt his name fit it well. After the 1st SEC coaches meeting, he called his mom and asked ” Will you always love me no matter what?”
Kentucky Wildcats Head Coach – Mark Stoops
Pretty simple in Kentucky, regardless of how good the football team performs, Stoops will be doing whatever Hoops Coach John Calipari tells him to do.
Alabama Crimson Tide Head Coach – Nick Saban
Word on the street is if 2020 season does not happen, Nick is just going to relax and play some golf. Says it helps him decompress.
BOTTOM LINE: We got to have college football this fall, if only for the health and well being of our beloved Head Coaches. One benefit if the season is cancelled? Not watching Brian Griese or Gary Danielson as they will continue their jobs as “Swab Disposers” at a Covid & Syphilis testing site in a Wal-Mart parking lot near Dearborn Michigan.
ZT headed to get his “to go” order at the local Waffle House to include a double order of “scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and peppered” and swing by the CVS to pick up some Tums. Padre is preparing the folks in the Carolinas on what to say, in Latin, to Notre Dame fans after the ACC beats up on them.
Pigskin Prognostications by the Piedmont Padre and Zimmern's Twin 