CFB 2023 – Week 1 Labor Day

Well…. Week O only provided 1 sure thing, UMASS Minutemen are NOT the worst team in the country as they traveled to the New Mexico and beat the New Mexico State Aggies outright! Maybe it is “Aggie-loser-itis” and it was developed secretly in a College Station TX agricultural lab. Should be noted it impacted those TX Aggies in 2022 who ended up just 2-6 for a last place finish in the SEC West. Rumor is Jimbo Fisher had recently visited Las Cruces, NM after trying to cross the border to get his teeth whitened again. Likely passed on the virus there.

ZT has been on a food truck trek this summer….nothing pleases one’s family doctor more than having to disclose eating polish sausage fries every week since Memorial Day when questioned about the negative change in bloodwork.

Comes with a free package of Dude Wipes

Ok…enough of that and time for some quality prognostications ( for that you really need to check another blog! ).

Thursday August 31

Florida Gators vs #14 Utah Utes

Elevation in Gainesville 177 feet Elevation in Salt Lake City 4,265 feet

QB question….bet you thought ZT was going to talk about the Gators, who brought in Graham “Cracker” Mertz from Wisconsin to complete SMORE passes than now Indy QB Anthony Richardson ( come on man, it was a solid food reference from ZT! ). He wasn’t loved by the cheese people but will be better at UF than most think. QB issue is on the UTES side with QBs Cam Rising out, backup “Let’s go” Brandon Rose banged up so may be Bryson Barnes under center. ZT sees this as more of a “which defense is best” for a victory. Both teams are solid on defense so who can impact the other offense, with new/backup QBs will get the W. UTES are solid at home and even though the PAC-12 is dissolving like a Tide Pod in hot water, they have a solid fan base with no Native Americans protesting their name although Scalping 101 was recently removed from the Utah curriculum. UTES 27 Oxygen deprived Gators 24

Friday September 1

Louisville Cardinals vs Georgia Tech Yellowjackets

ZT honestly could care less about this game other than to see if GT has another great player Bama can take from them in the portal. Never hurts the GPA average either ( yes, in the SEC they still grade students’ test! ). It is the best Friday night game in the CFB so…. Cardinals new HC Jeff Brohm has made good use of the transfer portal on offense and has a nice defense with a good secondary. GT will look for QB Zach “air attack” Payton to give their offense a boost from the heavy run attack in 2022. It is in Atlanta so that helps……ZT calling for the Friday Night upset with the Ramblin Wreck getting a late T.O. to find a W. After the game, Trump request to be allowed to spend any “future time” in Atlanta in the Gullwing Club Suite at Mercedes Benz Stadium Yellow Jackets 28 Stung Birds 27

Saturday September 2

USTA Road Runners vs. Houston Cougars

The Road Runners were one of the darlings of the 2022 season and this match up last year was a great 3 OT win by the Cougars. Houston QB will be Texas Tech transfer Donovan Smith who completed 66% of his passes and scored a few on the ground. Now to the Road Runners. ZT loves HC Jeff “I no longer live in a” Traylor. He is 23-5 in the past 2 years and has the entire city believing for sure. Even better, 16 returning starters including Frank “the tank” Harris who is in his 7th year of CFB and 5th as a starter at UTSA. Dual threat for sure. Houston HC Dana Hogorsen ( who frequently is asked: “Are you Nick Nolte and how was rehab?” ) has his hands full with this one. Too full to also hold that “fatty” says ZT. Road Runners 34 Wile E Coyote’s Cougar Cousins 31

MTSU Blue Raiders vs #4 Bama

Always a big deal with a new QB at Bama…..Hurts, Tua, Jones, Young ( yep, all in NFL ) and now for the 2023 version. Jalen Milroe ( 6’2″ 220 lbs. from Katy, TX )….Bama under Saban is pretty solid in season openers. Expect the defense to live in the MTSU backfield like a squatter in San Francisco. Blue Raiders are a good Conference USA squad but, like Texas and OU are about to find out, this is the SEC and the Tide is still elite in the premier conference. Pachyderms 49 Bruised Raiders 6

#21 UNC Tar Heels vs SC Gamecocks ( Dukes Mayo Classic )

Nothing says college football like mayonnaise…….OK, yes lots of things say it better but ZT hoping for a Dukes NIL type sponsorship so. Gamecocks come in with QB Spencer “Diamondback” Rattler ready to strike. Hard to see the goat lovers defense from Chapel Hill having the antidote to survive it. Well, UNC HC Mack Brown may not have much defense but he does have QB Drake Maye and that offense would rather play a shoot-out anyway! Hear they may need 2 official scorers to keep up with the pace of this one. Whoever makes the last mistake in this one likely takes home the loss ( wow ZT, that is a major Captain Obvious Award, even for week 1!! ) Gamecocks with spurs 38 Goat People 34

Sunday Sept 3

#5 LSU TIGAHS vs #8 FSU Seminoles at Camping World Stadium in Orlando

Now, this is what ZT calls college football vs. some Notre Dame warm up in Week Zero. Ok, except playing in a stadium named for a way to buy an RV for $5 per day. TIGAHS ended 2022 with a blow out of Purdue 63-7 after averaging 34.5 points PPG for the season. HC Kelly needed a solid offense to cover for a middle of the road defense. Seminoles likely a bit distracted by Hurricane Idalia but HC “Wonder” Mike Norvell ( really ZT, a Sugarhill Gang reference? Only Stetson Bennett and 6 people working for Visiting Angels may remember them ) will build off a solid 2022 campaign. Jayden Daniels and Tigahs looking for some major payback from the 2022 opening day loss. Tigahs 34 FL Casino –Owning Indians 28

Monday Sept 4

#9 Clemson Tigers vs Duke Blue Devils

OK…its Monday and no NFL MNF so this will have to do. And so will this as far as a prognostication. Dabo vs. Elko.. ZT says Dabo Tigers 38 Duke 24

Piedmont Padre has come out of “the swamp” to bestow CFB wisdom on all who will listen. OK, had to come out due to Hurricane Idalia but that in itself shows wisdom!!

Thursday August 31

Nebraska 30 Minnesota 29 – Mild Upset

Ah, you thought I would start off with the Gators! NOPE! My first prediction is about how Nebraska is going to mildly upset Fleck’s lean, mean, boat-rowing machine. No amount of Red Bulls can stop my super sweet lock of the week!! #WorkingOnMySportsGamblingVoice #IDon’tGamble #NowToTheMightyGators

#14 Utah 34 Florida 16

A new season in Gainesville……that begins in Salt Lake City, Mitt Romneyville. And while I hope I am wrong, I have a feeling Utah is going to find out Gator tears are more bitter than the Great Salt Lake. Napier is building. I really like him as a person. I want to win with a man like him. ” Be Patient” has become the mantra. But patience is NOT a virtue the Gator Nation practices very well. So, if the season goes south as much as I fear it will, I will always have Swamp Kings on Netflix and Danny Wuerffel highlight videos on YouTube to make me feel better. That and a pint of butter pecan flavored Haagen-Dazs seems to help….for about 47 seconds.

Friday, Sept 1

SUPER BOLD “MAN UP” Prediction of the Week!!!

Miami ( FL ) vs. Miami ( OH ) = Miami Wins! Take it to the bank!!

Saturday, Sept 2

#17 TCU 37 Colorado 13

Prime’s 1st Div-1 ( Oh, FBS ) game! Well, like an elephant with a mouse, Ralphie sees that frog and runs back to Boulder looking for some “CBD” for his anxiety and glaucoma. TCU BIG!

#12 Tennessee 51 Virginia 17

Wine & Cheese vs. Natty Light & Cheez Whiz. Thomas Jefferson vs. Davey Crockett. This isn’t the Board Room – This is the Gridiron!! That, and Tennessee is just WAY better.

#1 Georgia 666 Tennessee Martin 0

Read into that score what you wish. And Georgia’s schedule is pure trash. My alma mater, Emory University, has a harder schedule than Georgia – and they don’t have a football program!! #StillUndefeated

The Battle for Carowinds S. Carolina 34 #21 N. Carolina 29

If you don’t know of Carowinds, look it up. The winner gets the theme park on the border and the loser gets the Panthers for this season.

UPSET OF THE WEEK Boise State 30 #10 Washington 29

Washington is getting A LOT of preseason love. Some are even claiming they can make the CFP their last season in the PAC-12. But I say the Broncos go into Seattle and take the Huskies’ Starbucks money and use it to buy a lifetime supply of Folgers for their football facility’s cups.

Sunday Sept 3

#8 FSwho? 33 #5 LSU 26

LSU is favored, but I am not 100% sure why. FSU has like 67 seventeenth extra-Covid year players on their roster. LSU may have awesome cool names like Broussard, Benoit, Thibodeaux, Fontenot, and Boudreaux – But FSU has 31 year old men with 401(K)s and mortgage payments. The grown men win by 7.

Enjoy your Labor Day Weekend and tell your spouse you will speak to them on Tuesday after all the College Football is done….until next week!!!