CFB Week 4

College Football Predictions…..with a Twist


FSU  30  NC State 13

NC State hangs for a while and then eventually FSU gets some late scores and busts it wide open!  When the game is over, the team gets back to locker room to find Jameis has sent them Publix finest lobsters to celebrate the win.  However, Bobby Bowden and Mickey Andrews snuck down late in the 4th Quarter and ate half of “those dadgum lobsters.”

Texas A & M  30  ARK  20

A & M is ahead most of the game and wins by two scores.  Sumlin is given a weekly reprieve for the marine regent in Houston.  However, Beliema comes home to pitchforks and fire!!!….. Oh, wait, wait…That’s just a community-wide BBQ.  Never Mind…………..oh wait, wait again.  That’s a BBQ alright but it ain’t pig about to be roasted!

VANDY  20   BAMA  17    Upset of the Week*

……………….LOL!!!!!!!!!    I make myself laugh….Just kidding…>Bama wins  27-6

Kentucky 27  Florida  16

Pretty even game through 3 quarters.  However, Gator’s lack of offense wears down the defense AGAIN and Kentucky gets two scores in the 4th qtr. to win.  Kentucky storms the field after 30 years of misery.   Florida retreats to the locker room where Mac consoles the team………I have nothing funny to say.  As a Gator fan it would just be sad. So, so sad. #CanSpurrierCallPlays?

Okie State  37   TCU  20

Why? Because Coach  “I’m a man, I’m 40” Gundy has a Mullet.  IN 2017 he has a Mullet. And he is awesome!  So dang awesome!  GO POKES!

USC  33   Cal   31

*Almost an upset!   Nothing to say other than I think USC is INSANELY overrated.  I do think they will get better as the season goes along ( like last year ).  I wouldn’t be shocked if they lose to CAL.  BUT, do Cal fans even care if they do win?  More people show up to protest a speaker than go to the football games.  #FreeSpeechIsOverratedToBerkley

Washington 38  Colorado  27

Nobody really cares in Boulder. They are all eating the “special brownies”

Georgia 23  Miss State  20

A great game that goes back and forth.   Ultimately, the home team finds a way.  Fromm leads Georgia on a game winning FG drive late.  He becomes the campus hero!  Eason sees the writing on the wall.  In sadness, he begins to look at a place to transfer.  He ends up at Auburn ( of course ), and wins the Heisman and National Championship there ( of course )……not a bitter Gator fan at all!   I promise this is a 100% unbiased opinion  🙂

Penn St  34  Iowa 17

Late in game, when it clearly is over,  James Franklin fakes a victory kneel and throws it in for a TD!  Fights break out after the game.   At the post game presser, alluding to his Akron comment about Pitt, Franklin says “Look, we were just practicing a play to see if it works.  This isn’t a big win for us.  We treat Iowa like Ohio State; We expect to Win!”

ND   26     Mich State  24

Brian Kelly passes out on sideline from a stroke.  He finally loses it during the game.  He’s been trying to hold back this season ( seriously, have you noticed how hard he is working to keep from LOSING IT lately?).  But late in the game, Sparty takes the lead on a Pick 6.   Kelly passes out in anger.  Ronald Reagan resurrects from the grave and takes over as the coach telling the Irish ” Win one for the Kellynator.”  ND rallies for a FG to win!

Purdue  27  Michigan  26   * Real Upset Special*

Harbough hints he may sign Kapernick to be the QB since he is available.  Immediately a Michigan beat writer reminds Harbough that Kap cannot play college because he is a professional and that is a violation of NCAA rules.  Harbough stares at the reporter, pushes up his 1950’s style glasses and says: ” SHUT UP, NERD!”

The Padre is off to Meditate….


Tennessee  47  UMass   12

Butch Jones, missing the entire game.   Not seen until Monday PM.  Visibly shaken at the Monday presser, reports a group of “loyal” alumni said they were going out on a boat to relax before the game…….turns out he was locked in a white mini-van for 48 hours and forced to watch a continuous loop of the movie “Deliverance” & then capped off with 3 viewings of “Cool Hand Luke”.  1st words to AD John Currie:  ” I go my mind right boss!”

Miss St  24   Georgia 23

Kirby Smart, with a 3-0 start & big ND road win, has most of the GA Bulldogs forgetting how to spell or even pronounce Mark Richt { for those who have forgotten, RICKED (hooked on phonics spelling) advised GA to really think hard before hiring Kirby in 2015} and has also stifled the “Fire UGA Coach Kirby Smart” Facebook page with its last posting being November 2016.  That said, get ready for the annual lowering of the Georgia flags to begin.  Most assumed MSU would lose to LSU and cruise to Athens for a 2nd beating.  Mullen says his front 4 on defense can whip the UGA front 5 all night long.  On offense, Nick Fitzgerald is not a real Heisman contender yet, but he did make Coach O choke on some boudin balls last week and that is a big confidence builder!  Upset in Athens!

Florida 24  KY  20

When asked what he learned about his QB after the UT game, Mac said ” I learned he can throw the ball a long way”.  He then said he learned one other thing…..”spoke to Butch Jones Tuesday and he said if that situation happens again and the WR does NOT make the catch, don’t go for a planned boat ride with any “loyal” alums.”  KY is excited after a big win last week and gives the gators fits most of the game.   Wildcat crowd into it until someone says they hear Calipari with 5 of hoops team are at Buffalo Wild Wings and 90% of the KY fans leave.  UF pulls out a win and Mac notes ” the East is now ours to lose…..ain’t it cool?”

Michigan 35  Purdue 21

Harbough was recently named on of the 2 most overrated coaches ( along with Little Nicky).  When asked about it, the reporter is taken away on 3 different stretchers.  Purdue is feeling very confident after a thorough trouncing of Mizzou last week!  The expectations for Coach Brohm are lower than the longevity of a guy on his first day working for Roto-Rooter.  Nothing against Purdue, but when the 7th blog on your school’s website is “100 men who cook”… are going to get your a#$ beat, particularly by the Wolverines.

OK State 41  TCU 28

Mullet Man Gundy is ON A ROLL!  After thumping 3 opponents in a row, including PITT, the Cowboys will gain back Sophomore WR Tyron Johnson from suspension ( like they needed more help). The suspension was for “inside stuff” but ZT has it on good authority  Johnson said Gundy’s hair made him look like a dork.  Doesn’t matter now and TCU will be the next victim.  OKS QB Rudolph has yet to throw an INT this year.  He will this week but the Horned Frogs simply don’t have the power to beat this team.  Post game, Gundy tells the world his is also against IRAN noting they outlawed the Mullet Hairstyle in 2010 as a “Western Cultural Invasion” and that if they have a problem with that, quote: ” 3/4 of what they say is inaccurate…. I am a Man, I am 40 and if they want to come after someone, come after me!”  Trump calls him later and appoints him Undersecretary of Defense.

USC   41  Cal  24

Trojans have been parting like it is 1999 since beating Texas last week!  Word is they even invited OJ and Marinovich to fill the last 2 spots on the party bus.  Kiffin was the 3rd choice but said we was used to being kicked off a bus so an easy choice.  Cal Bears said with all the global warming, they will move to Stockton if the ACLU will allow them to do such.   Also noted their season will be 2 weeks longer than USC if “Rocket Man” fires because he sees Berkley as an ALLY!

Bama 31  Vandy 21

Saban is asked “what do you think about this game?” and goes into a crazy rant to include “why do we even play the game anymore?” and ” do you remember 1984 ? They ran through us like s@%$ through a tin horn!”  The reporter notes ” Coach, you were a DB coach at MSU in 1984 and the s$#% through a tin horn was the Ga Southern game a few years ago.”  To which Saban replies ” you have film, you write the articles, why do you even ask me these questions?….just go talk to some idiots on a blog like that Piedmont Preach and Zimmern Twin guy…..a’ight!!” If you are bored and want entertainment, go to Wal- Mart at midnight….a’ight?!”   Derek Mason and the Commodores are ready for Bama…..even chanting last week “We want Bama”….they do have a solid defense and are capable of pulling the upset.  I am a bit conflicted having attended both schools and was present with Carl “goo baby” Woods and Kurt Page led the Commodores to a victory in T-Town over a Ray Perkins team.   Fast Forward to 2017…………Perkins aint coaching Alabama……a’ight?!

Auburn 42   Mizzou  21

Who Cares…..Riots in STL will generate more emotion than this one.   Mizzou HC Odom is like a kid who buys an ice cream from a guy in a beat up panel van and thinks he is now qualified to run Ben & Jerry’s.  On the AUB side, QB Shaun White said doing shots was the only way he could figure out the latest offensive schemes.  Word is he has now been hired as an “analyst” by Saban.  Malz continues to note they are making progress and that “we are getting our offense in rythym……..took them to watch the cooks at one of my Waffle House locations .  Those guys are good ( they really are!) and we now have a new set of audibles like “Scattered and Chunked” which means 5 wide and throw it deep….Our goal continues to win the SEC Title…..if not, we will set a new one”

TUFTS Jumbos 28  Wesleyan (CT) Cardinals 21

Noting I buy my clothes at Big & Tall shops ( thank goodness for the ” & tall” or it would just be called: FATBOYS HOUSE OF ELASTIC “), I love the Tufts University Jumbos….they are on a roll with their 9 game schedule fresh off a win over Hamilton Continentals in OT.  Note Hamilton’s new mascot is “ALEX” which means most teams that play them, including TUFTS, will murder them.  Wesleyan Cardinals will be the next notch in the belt for TUFTS….Wesleyan website shows women’s soccer and field hockey before it goes to football……enough said..

Done and about to bite the head off an insect………