Week 5 -Differential Equations

Week 5 is when you get your first look at the real contenders as well as expose some posers!  A couple of Top 10 matchups of undefeated teams with 3 other Top 10’s playing solid opponents will make a difference in the final playoff equation!

Padre is currently painting a portrait of Spurrier, similar to the one painted in the movie Wedding Crashers by Todd…will be providing wisdom when done……

The Canvas is drying so here we go……

 

Mississippi State Bulldogs    34   Florida Gators   16

Tebow wept…

Georgia Bulldogs   2,346       Tennessee Volunteers  3

Fulmer wept…………….because Steve Spurrier came around the corner and said “BOO!”

West Virginia Mountaineers    41     Texas Tech Red Raiders    31

Kliff Kingsbury wept……… because his wife died in The Notebook.    By the way, James Garner looked NOTHING like Ryan Gosling.   I mean, really?   The Rockford Files guy is La La Land guy?   I wept because that even more ruined an already bad movie that I had to watch on Friday Night because my wife has to watch football ALL DAY on Saturday!  #Compromising

Louisville  Cardinals     23   Florida State Seminoles   20

Bobby Bowden wept…….and Jimbo said ” Miss me yet?  You sad bro?”

Stanford   Cardinal   30   Notre Dame Fighting Irish   26

Touchdown Jesus wept………………………because he’s forced to watch Notre Dame play every week!

LSU Tigers      30   Ole Miss Landsharks    20

Coach O’s interpreter wept…………………..because it’s such a hard job….so so hard!

Oregon Ducks    31   California Golden Bears   27

Cal students wept…………….because they don’t understand how people can watch the barbaric game of football while companies like Raid kill our ancient cockroaches with chemical weapons.     #SaveTheCockroaches

Ohio State Buckeyes   41    Penn State Nittany Lions   20

Urban Meyer wept……………………….Are you kidding?  Meyer doesn’t cry.

Arkansas  Razorbacks   30    Texas A & M Aggies    29   UPSET OF THE WEEK

Everybody wept…………….because I am CLEARLY kidding.  Texas A & M cruises as I have no big upset pick this week.   My Arkansas friend, Dwight, hates my guts now!  #BBQPigSOOOOOIE

Padre wept………his wife advised him she wanted to watch A Cinderella Story ( featuring Hillary Duff ), which comes on at the same time as ESPN College Football Final!

ZT has been watching reruns of the Richard Simmons Show on channel 439 as it was the one channel not showing a “Circus”…….

West Virginia Mountaineers     44     Texas Tech Red Raiders  41

Well…..Mountaineers starting to think they need to make some “We Want Bama” signs as they are 3-0 and coming off a nice trouncing of Kansas State.  Former Gator QB ( sorry Padre ) Will Grier continues to perform very well as they average over 40 points per game!  The challenge for the smoking musket defense is they just haven’t created any turnovers and they will need some against a Red Raider offense averaging over 60 points per game for last 3 weeks.  Guns Up in Lubbock with upset on the Tech brain but afraid HC Kingsbury and crew will come up just a bit short in a shoot out.   After the game, Grier is asked about the difference between playing in Morgantown vs. Gainesville.   He notes ” In Gainesville, before I was married, co-eds would hit on me at a bar while in Morgantown they walk up to you in Walgreens and show you they have all their teeth.”

 Mississippi State Bulldogs   31     Florida Gators  17

Wasn’t Week 4 a tale of two teams?   Gators take care of a rebuilding UT Vols team ( In Knoxville!) and now their lone loss to Kentucky is not looking so gruesome.   Mullen has UF gaining confidence after a few years of being lower than a bag of top soil at Lowes.  That is crucial for continued success with QB Felipe “Ballpark” Franks & team.   Now….the SEC West Bulldogs were whipping up on some 2nd/3rd Tier teams and were heavily favored when they went to Lexington.   They left looking like a puppy that wore a shock collar for the 1st time.   HC Joe Moorhead also has had to deal with a looming game at #10 Auburn next week.  When you lose, you can no longer look ahead to anything but the next game and that is UF.  A little extra incentive with Mullen’s first trip to Starkville since his departure for Gainesville.  ZT believes the boys from State rebound.   On the way back to the bus, Mullen is kidnapped by Michael Vick, taken to a dog fight where is mauled for the 2nd time in 12 hours by 22 Bulldogs……

Notre Dame Fighting Irish    34      Stanford Cardinal   27

Touchdown Jesus vs. the luckiest team in America…….something has to give as this is the 1st time these two have met as undefeated squads since Knute Rockne & Pop Warner battled in 1924 ( how ’bout that historical nugget from public school educated ZT! ).  ND is 4-0 but finally showed some breakout potential with a trouncing of a pretty solid Demon Deacons team.  You had to know they would win over Demons.   ND RB Dexter Williams returns at the right time for an Irish offense that ranks #60 in rushing.   Tree QB Costello led a miraculous comeback at Eugene last week that would have even impressed Moses.  Stanford HC David Shaw is as calm as Putin on Election Day in Moscow.   Stanford mounts another 4th quarter comeback when Shaw looks up and says ” Its Time” to which a deep voice from the clouds says ” Not in THIS hallowed Stadium!”  

Kentucky Wildcats   28     South Carolina Gamecocks  24

Well, Well, Well…what do we have here?   Kentucky is now a football power again?  Ranked in the Top 20?   How could this even be?????

Here is your answer:   Wildcats HC Mike Stoops is at a séance with local psychic Sister Willamuscheen.  For only $50 extra, she “connects” with Coach Bear Bryant who says ” ever since Little Nicky went to Tuscaloosa, those folks are starting to forget about me so I am going back to my 1950’s roots.  Spoke with “The Big Guy Upstairs” and we agreed it was time to send some divine football energy back to Lexington.   Also, if they try to rename my stadium in Tuscaloosa for that midget coach, I got the green light to send the locusts!”  

LSU TIGAHS     35     Ole Miss Landsharks    21

Matt Luke and his Landsharks were still recovering last week when they won over a pesky Kent State team.  The best article I could find on them since was focused on a protest at The Grove in 1982 with a sit in to save the trees and other traditions.   Great story but if that is the best you can do when playing Coach O and the TIGAHS, you are already fertilizer!!   LSU had to deal with a touch La Tech squad that was hoping to catch them still partying from a road win at Auburn.  1st Home SEC game, unveiling of a statue for Heisman winner Billy Cannon and all this at Night is just too much.   Ole Miss Mascot is rescued Sunday from a fishing boat in the Gulf.   Turns out some locals from Dulac, LA abducted him after he was ejected for “targeting” LSU Mascot Mike the Tiger at halftime.  They attempted to use Tony the Landshark as bait to catch a big Gator while shot gunning Bud Lights.   Coach O said “Damn shame, love me some Gator tail, GO TIGAHS”

BAMA   63     Louisiana Ragin Cajuns   10

Tide gets back on track ( the scoring 50+ points per game track that is ) this week with a game against a non-LSU Louisiana team who lost to Coastal Carolina Chanticleers  ( a fairy tale rooster if you must know ) last week.   Late in the 2nd quarter, Saban & every player who has been on the field ( 57 at that point ) are arrested for “bullying”  with the score at 49 – 3.   The Bama 4th team and several managers finish the game.   SEC Network cam catches Jalen ( who appeared to be studying one of Tua’s 6 First Half TDs on video ) actually watching Goodfellows on Netflix.  The mic picks him up muttering ” Tua can’t do this to a made man…” 

ZT is on a personal mission to make SURE Dunkin’ still has donuts…been to 7 in the last 24 hours.  Still making them and as a public service, tested one at each location.