Pigskin Prognostications by the Piedmont Padre and Zimmern’s Twin
The Piedmont Padre
Florida 20 Tennessee 19
Somehow, someway, Florida pulls out this game! They get one offensive TD and another TD set up by the defense. Tennessee has around 150-200 more yards of offense, but they pull a “TENNESSEE” and blow the game with self-inflicted errors. It’s clear after the game that Florida is not that good, but don’t tell Mac that!! Mac has been reading the message boards and starts calling out the posters by name: “JCGator437, I am not a shark loving piece of flying poo. If you don’t start being nicer, I’ m taking my (L) East Division Titles and going back to Colorado State!”….JCGator437 responds: “Don’t let Spurrier kick you in the behind on the way out.”
Notre Dame 37 Boston College 20
Martin Luther shows up and “protests” the Padre even picking a Catholic contest!
LSU 23 Mississippi State 20
Close game, but Tigers pull it out. MSU is driving late to get into FG range for a win, but they fumble around midfield. When LSU recovers, Coach O is heard screaming ” Graw frew brou drou Bulldog Gumbo!”
South Carolina 34 Kentucky 26
In his excitement after the win, Muschamp tackles SC Mascot Cocky, and sends the poor boy to the hospital with 2 broken ribs and dislocated wing.
California 41 Ole Miss 31
After the game, the Cal students protest football as “barbaric and crude”. On the other side, Ole Miss fans show up wearing “Make America Great Again” hats. Shouting matches begin and a fight is about to break out, but someone from Cal has some “special brownies” and all is well again. The Ole Miss fans wake up Sunday morning covered in Bernie Sanders stickers.
USC 44 Texas 17
USC gets their revenge from the loss over a decade ago. After the game, Lane Kiffin tweets ” I would have won 45-17!”
Louisville 30 Clemson 27 **Upset Special**
Clemson is the better team, but Louisville finds a way to win at home. I don’t think this means Louisville wins the division, as I think they will slip up 2 or 3 times this season. But, on Saturday night they are riding high! ***Lamar Jackson wanted to be a Gator at one point. Yeah….no comment beyond that!
Peace and the Padre is out!
Clemson 30 Louisville 27
Game of the week and will be decided on the final drive. Unfortunately, Lamar Jackson is running for a first down and catches Coach Petrino ( in his peripheral vision ) trying to kickstart a vintage Harley owned by Joan Jett. Jackson steps out 1 yard short and the 47 yd FG attempt is wide right. Dabo says ” I love me some Joan Jett….glad I wasn’t running the ball when that happened…..come to think of it, I would have never had the ball because I was a wide receiver ( aka wide “blocker” ) for Gene Stallings.”
USC 41 Texas 20
USC comes in 2-0 after distracting Stanford last week with an oversized Rubik’s Cube. Coach Helton looking for an angle, has the Coliseum ban BEVO from the stadium due to “space constraints”. Texas team becomes distraught when images of Bevo being lead on a rope to Guido’s House of Beef by Charlie Strong is flashed on the Jumbotron.
Notre Dame 35 Boston College 20
Most thought BC was looking ahead when they got thumped by the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. REAL issue is BC Coach Addazio has never fully recovered from a 3 minute direct stare into the August 21 Eclipse. Instead of talking to his team at half, he goes to talk to a group of ND priest to ask for healing. He misunderstands and thinks they said “THROW 10 Hail Mary’s in the 2nd Half” It doesn’t work.
Wisconsin 31 BYU 16
Badgers off to a solid 2-0 start but here comes BYU. Cougars barely beat Portland State Vikings in the opener and then drop the next 2. With starting BYU QB Mangum injured and a freak bicycle accident injuring 42 other Cougars, OC Ty Detmer says ” we have a plan. It’s a 2-year plan so don’t expect much this week.” Wisconsin spikes a triangle of cheddar at midfield after the game.
Florida 27 Tennessee 24
Big Mac ( who is very upset because he is missing the Bama vs. Colorado State game being played at the same time) uses his I-AA skills when he “wore every hat in the athletics building” to have Sweet Home Alabama played in the Vols locker room. Coach Jones, after the game says ” that was a distraction but the main reason I can’t concentrate is because I have been cast to play Sergeant Vince Carter in a remake of Gomer Pyle, USMC.” Word is Derek Dooley will be playing Gomer.
LSU 31 Mississippi State 21
MSU starts out strong at home but quickly realizes La Tech and LSU are not from the same DNA. Coach O gets a bit emotional at Halftime when his Hummer commercial from his Ole Miss days is shown on the big screen ( check it out on YouTube ). Ed says ” I love my Hummer.” After the game, Coach O does a Cookie Monster impression at the Presser in lieu of ripping off his shirt. Geaux Tigers…
Vanderbilt 27 Kansas State 24 **Upset Special**
Commodores, fresh off a 2-0 start ( although MTSU and Alabama A & M is just a bit above playing Incarnate Word or Presbyterian Blue Hose ) has a much tougher test this week! Coach Derek Mason, who looks like he could still suit up, said the key to Vandy’s improvement was the time he spent with Bill Belichick this summer. ” There are so many little things you can do to improve your chances like change inflation of the ball, hack into the headsets, and stuff like that.” K State, with Bill Snyder still at the helm says ” I used the same playbook I got from Bart Starr in ’65 and don’t understand why those plays like the Statue of Liberty didn’t work this time?” Snyder says he loves Nashville because it is the home of Shoney’s and all of his friends that are still alive love to eat there!
Done…time to eat the eye of a newt…