CFB WEEK 5

College Football Predictions……….with a Twist!

PIEDMONT PADRE

Miami 34  Duke 33

“Catholics vs Convicts” theme from the old Notre Dame/Miami Games.  Duke ( a Methodist school ) creates shirts that say ” Methodist vs. Maximum Security”.  It doesn’t work…….Miami wins by a point!

USC 28. Wazzou. 20

Trojans destroy Pirates every single time!!  Though, outside of Trojan fans, who isn’t pulling for the weird, pirate-loving coach??

Florida 26 Vandy 20

Bama beat Vandy 59-0 in Nashville.  Florida will win by 6 at home.    That said, post game Mac will brag about beating a “quality opponent” in Vandy and improve his record in 1-score games to 10-1.   This adds to the ginormous one-score wins against teams like FAU, ECU, and, well, Vandy!   Excuse the cynicism.  I’m just a Gator who is supposed to be happy after any win!  Say that with me Gator Nation: “I’m supposed to be happy after a win.  I’m supposed to be happy after a win. I’m supposed to be happy……………”

Georgia 31  Tennessee 16

Tennessee plays hard for Butch, but Georgia is building a top-notch program ( as said by Judge Smells in Caddyshack ” top notch, top notch!!). The talent level and coaching is just superior at Georgia.  After the game, UGA walks over to Smokey, does a little sniff…and then lifts the leg.  Smokey takes it……because, well, Tennessee just takes it.  That’s what they do!  But hey, as they sing in Knoxville, at least they “ain’t got no telephone bills” which is good.  My Verizon bill is bigger than the mistakes Butch makes in the 4th Quarter!

Auburn 24 Miss State 13

Why?  Because Miss State was going to win the national title last week. NOW?  Oh, we forgot.  THEY ARE STILL MISS STATE!!!

Texas A & M 37 South Carolina 17

Like with UGA earlier,  A&M’s Lassie look-a-like dog walks over to Muschamp after the game…….sniffs him……then lifts a leg.  Muschamp takes it.  Why?  Because he is a chicken………………get it?   ( Bad Joke but admit it….you did snicker! )

BAMA 2,457,768.78  Ole Miss 7

Saban’s kryptonite, Hugh Daddy, isn’t in Oxford anymore.  The Land Shark is about to smile…….Jaws fans will get it!!

Clemson 27 Va Tech 22

The battle of the team with the most boring/common name vs. the team with the weirdest name:  Hokie Hokie Hokie Hy– Clemson wins by 5.

Northwestern 27 Wisconsin. 24

Northwestern plays a great game and pulls an upset with a late, game-winning FG.  After the game,  Bret Bielema is seen in the shadows begging Barry Alvarez for his old job.  “This SEC west thing is just too hard!”  I just want to remind everyone that not only did Bielema win multiple titles in the Big10 ( Northwestern won the title in 1996 & 2000.  That’s like Vandy winning the SEC……yeah right!

Padre is done for the week and back to planning a special vigil for the Gators

ZIMMERN’S TWIN  ( Finished with the Sack of Krystal’s!)

WSU 34. USC 31.  FRIDAY UPSET SPECIAL

HMMMM……USC was hoping to have OJ activated (under a special DOJ program to allow 60+ year old felon/athletes a chance for a “fresh start”) to assist with their dismal short yardage game.  Thought was no one would get within 5 yards of OJ so mission accomplished.  WSU coach Mike “Pirate” Leach noted the Friday game is messing up his routine. ” Monday is like Tuesday, Wednesday is like Thursday and Thursday will still be like Thursday!”  Leach also says ” I want my money from Texas Tech & will be talking to OJ on Monday about how to handle that deal…”  All that said, the Cougars, with QB Luke Falk will pull the upset over the Trojans!

Miami 24 Duke 10

Hurricanes get the 1st real test of the year due to……yes, a Hurricane.  Their 2-0 record means little other than a tune up for the Dukies, who enter the contest at 4-0.  Duke is happier than an engineer passing a differential equations test!  Duke has won over Northwestern, Baylor, and UNC.  Not all bad.  Coach Cutcliff is NOT happy about playing on Friday Night.  He states ” Friday Night is for High Schools and I apologize to all the High Schools for us being forced by ESPN to play on Friday and impact your attendance!” Hmmmm…….this is Duke FOOTBALL not Hoops!  Also, hope someone in the Blue Devils IT department tells the coach it is now possible to go to their kid’s high school game and  watch this one on the ESPN APP if so inclined.  Mark Richt is NOT distracted by any of this and plans to go HARD on the ground with  RB Mark Walton this week.  Expect a lower scoring affair.  Canes have it in hand in early 4th quarter so Blue Devil fans in Durham can meet they high schoolers  at Sonic before 11pm!

Florida 16 Vandy 11

Vandy, fresh off a “we want Bama” butt whipping in Nashville now gets to “anchor down” in The Swamp.  Gators likely sticking with QB Luke Del Rio now that he has extra motivation for outlasting former Bama teammate David Cromwell (who is leaving Nevada after 1 game).  Coach Mac, after last week’s thriller over KY Wildcats ( and obviously emotional ) said ” this is really like life….ain’t it?”…..Coach Mason said ” the anger and stench of that loss doesn’t wash off!!”  Assume this is why they unveiled new uniforms for this week.   Makes sense to me……. Total offensive yardage in this game?   218 & requires at lease 2 5-hour energy shots to watch the whole thing.

Eastern Michigan 1 Kentucky 0

Kentucky Fans, upon learning of the Louisville basketball situation, party for 96 hours straight and miss the home game against the E.M. Eagles…..when they sober up on Monday, the wildcats say ” so what…….Louisville is going down in flames!”

Georgia 31 Tennessee 21

Kirby, Kirby, Kirby is all you can hear around Atlanta and Athens!  Bulldogs deliver a GUT PUNCH to the Volunteers.  Butch Jones is found in a dumpster behind a Krystal on Sunday afternoon.  UGA won’t even lick his face in sympathy.  Jake “from state” Fromm has a banner day and is approached after the game by Flo from Progressive for a Late Date.

BAMA 48  Ole Miss. 21

After a thorough shellacking of Vandy ( never forget “We want Bama”!), Crimson Tide gets ready for an 8pm game.  Always tough because it “breaks the system” says Little Nicky.  This series has been crazy with over 170 points and almost 2000 yards of total offense in the past 3 years.  Facing the NCAA investigation, Ole Miss AD decides having Larry Tunsil show up with his famous “gas mask” is not a good idea and they decide to hold this for when they play a team from Colorado.   Rebels ( or Bears or Colonel Akbars or whatever they go by now ) come to T-Town having only won 2 times EVER in Tuscaloosa.   They will keep that record in tact this week!  Nick will be happy because he won’t be happy with 2 turnovers ( 1st of the season ).   On the 2nd turnover, he will have to go into the medical tent to have his jugular vein reattached to his neck.     Bottom line, he has plenty to fuss about for the next game so Nick is happy!

Auburn 28 Miss State 19

Aubs have found a ground game, although it was against MIZZOU, with Kerryon Johnson & Kamryn Pettway returning.  Stidham looks much more comfortable, although it was against MIZZOU.  Coach Malzahn looks much more comfortable, although it was against MIZZOU.   Coach Mullen buys a new visor so he can get the smell of GA Bulldog off his other one.  QB Fitzgerald and WR Da’Runnya Wilson will be hot early but not enough to beat Auburn on the Plains.

Arkansas Tech WONDER BOYS 58.  Ouachita Baptist Tigers. 16

The Wonder Boys have put up back to back 50 point offensive performance but will have a tough test with the 3-1 tigers.  No question this is a “separation game” for the dominance in the Great American Conference.   4 of the next 5 games will be against “directional” schools like NW Oklahoma, SW Oklahoma, and maybe even SOMEWHERE Oklahoma.  Coach Monica ( Not Lewinsky ) says “played a great and complete game last week but when we out score the opponents, we usually win!”

ZT is headed to Little Caesar’s to get a “bestest most cheesiest”…..life is good!

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