CFB WEEK 7 – It will get Weird!!

Gary Howard W

 

The Padre ( Personal Update ) is sitting in ashes wearing an alligator belt, shoes, and sackcloth after the heart-wrenching UF defeat.  Fasting until they win again.

UPDATE: He is now wearing the new Gator/Ninja Turtle Uniform and still sitting in ashes muttering “I don’t like Nike, I don’t like Nike…..”

Piedmont Padre  – Saturday Prognostications

Auburn 23   LSU 13

After the game we find out why Coach O talks this way:  His ENTIRE life he’s been drinking Tabasco Sauce STRAIGHT.  Someone told him in middle school it was “Cajun Soda”

Miami Hurricanes 27  Georgia Tech  26

Miami holds off the Jackets to stop the upset.  The Record crows of 243 at the game in Miami is mildly excited.

Texas A & M  30  Florida 17

Gators have an enormous number of injuries ( many are really Key Injuries!) on top of the suspensions.  Plus, UF doesn’t have the ability to score points on offense anyway.  Not funny here…..just a sad, sad, sad Gator.    Can FSU lose again this week to make it a little better?

Arkansas 30  Bama 29

***OH WAIT, I was in a Hot Tub Time Machine and landed in 1997.  Back to 2017, Bama wins 55-17!!

South Carolina 27  Tennessee  26

After the game, Vol fans rush the field to throw Butch Jones into a trash can!! Seriously, What is that?  Really?!

West Virginia  44  Texas Tech  28

In the battle of the HC who used to be “cool” vs. the HC who currently IS “cool”, the old guy wins!  It’s OK Kliff, you always have a job as a Ryan Gosling look-a-like!

DOUBLE UPSET SPECIAL!!

Pitt 30  N C State 27

Because someone has to “pull a Clemson” since Clemson doesn’t do that anymore!  (OOPS..maybe they do!)

Texas 34  Oklahoma  30

A millennial is head coach at Oklahoma.  Texas wins because that just offends me as a man close to 40!    #MidLifCrisis  #PrideComesBeforeTheFall   # OhWaitIJustFellBecauseI’mOld    #AARP  #BreakfastAtCrackerBarrel

Zimmern’s Twin ( Personal Update ) is currently analyzing a niche on-line meal program on the concept of Blue Apron but this one is called Slop Bucket.  Promises no meal to be under 3500 calories and delivered in recycled 5 gallon buckets so its environmentally friendly.

Zimmern’s Twin – Saturday Prognostications

TGIS…Thank God Its Saturday!!!  ZT having issues this week navigating Wed/Fri Contests!

Michigan 24  Indiana 16

HC Harbaugh signed a contract addendum with Michigan stating he was NOT allowed to jump into a pool with Khaki’s from August 1 to January 15 as long as he was with Michigan.  Not only are the Wolverines injured by the loss, they are a HOT MESS on offense right now.  QB O’Korn now playing for the injured Speight likely finds the end zone a few times while Michigan fans are already asking why the 3rd Team QB Peters isn’t playing.   Expect to see more of RB Higdon this week.  Hoosier HC Allen, a reported “numbers cruncher” and says they can beat Michigan.  Unfortunately, he also mentions that he is a History Buff and notes they haven’t beaten Michigan in 30 years and only 2 times in 50 years.  States ” like the numbers, hate the history”   I will go with Harbaugh and his very dry Khakis!!

Kansas State  31    TCU  28    Upset Special

NO, you are reading this correctly!!  After a few weeks of prognosticating against K State, ZT is going the other way this week with an Upset Special!!   TCU has come from a non-ranked preseason team to 5-0 and the Big 12’s leading threat to make the playoffs.  At the same time, KState started the season at #20 is now 3-2 after losses to Vandy & Texas.  Good news is counting on KSU Head Coach Snyder to enjoy the familiar surroundings of Manhattan KS ( how could he not, everything in the area is named after him! )  and predict the Wildcats will have Frog Legs for dinner.  Just like the underperformer taking out the overachiever at home this week.  HC Snyder has a bowl of Cream of Wheat to celebrate after the game.

Auburn  24  LSU 21

Tigers Win, Tigers Win, Tigers Win!!!!!!!!!

Oh, you want more information than that?   OK…..Do NOT be fooled by the “Les Miles will be honored with the 2007 Team at the game this week”   That is just like the Greeks entering the City of Troy ( DON”T SAY TROY IN BATON ROUGE!!!)  via a hollow wooden horse.  Coach O came up with this idea after reading about it on MySpace ( yes 12 accounts are still active ). Plan is to let Miles dress like a ball girl ( borrowed clothes from Caitlyn Jenner ) and have the 2007 Team suit up and leave the current tigers in the locker room with Madden 2017.    Bad news is AUB QB Stidham with  RB’s Pettway and Johnson have brought life to the offense while the defense continues to be solid. Also, Tommy Tuberville said this week when asked about Malzahn’s future ” I think sometimes the trigger is pulled too quick” as he jumped on a private plane for Louisville.    Last indicator for ZT….game is 230pm start.  Tigers, the Auburn Version, WIN!

Oklahoma  41 Texas 28

The RED RIVER SHOWDOWN…….

QB Baker Mayfield was required to spike a life-size statue of himself at midfield after every practice this week.  It didn’t help much as he took a jab at the Longhorn’s QB Ehlinger ( both of these guys are from Austin TX ) when he said ” He went to Westlake and he’s never beaten Lake Travis” ( which was Mayfield’s High School ).   My favorite on-line response was ” Baker Mayfield should just change his name to Stanley…..by far the biggest TOOL in college football.”   The pre-game talk means little and Sooners take the Golden Hat.   Charlie Strong seen in the stands with Larry from Dr. Pepper trying to get on the delivery team!

Bama  42  ARK 17

What in the world?  Nick Saban is recorded riding a 3-wheel motorized cart this week?  When asked about it he said “I have been watching film on Super Mario and know I can whip his a$%”  It was noted that the 8-year-old who’s cart he “borrowed” and who also took the video was “grey-shirted” on his pop warner league team the following day.  When questioned by the media, Saban held up a box of D-Con and an old Victor Metal Pedal rat trap and yelled ” this is for you RATS”.   Ark HC Bielema makes another genius statement by saying ” Our QB needs to be fully functional vs. someone like Alabama”  Not to be out done, former Bama QB A J McCarron said ” You know, Jalen Hurts gets a little better every week.”     WOW, just WOW!   Bielema is late to the game after winning an afternoon rib eating contest at Dreamland over former Bama player Terrance “Mount” Cody.  The news that Bielema’s contract buyout is only $5.9 million vs. the estimated $15 million doesn’t help in the talk he will be out at year’s end.  When asked why the disparity in the buyout? Bielema says “I had a school account at White Castle and Taco Bell and it has run over a bit.”   Charlie Wiess and Manchild Mangino send him an invite to join them at CiCi’s Pizza at 11am on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.

Texas A & M 27     UF ( Ninja Gators ) 16   Upset Special

Aggies game Bama all they could handle last week while Gators dropped one to LSU.  Coach Mac has gone to the dreaded “specialty uniform” for this game.  ZT has never liked that and particularly from a traditional powerhouse team like UF.   Uniform looked so much like a Ninja Turtle that UF  had to add a 16 foot gator to the press photos to keep young kids from asking their mom’s if Donatello was now playing QB after Del Rio’s injury.  HC Sumlin can’t get a break….latest rumor, started by that dork Board of Regents member Tony Buzbee,  is that James Franklin may leave Penn State to come to A & M…What??  Close game for a half then the 12th Man comes our of the bus for the Aggies. In a normal year, would have to go UF but this year is anything but normal and with all the missing personnel at UF, It’s an Aggie road win.

Friday Night Football  – Friday the 13th so again, this could get WEIRD!

Clemson Tigers  38  Syracuse Orangemen 13

The Dabocados will apologize to NO ONE for playing on Friday Night!!  They like these games so they look over their next victim on Saturday!  Syracuse HC  Dino “the dinosaur” Babers has only coached at 15 schools since 1984.  Love this quote noting he has coached at some door mats ” I played very, very, very ( yes 3 of ’em) good football teams before”..”This Clemson is like one of those teams.”……..thinking he got hit in the head by Bam Bam.    Ok…In fairness, Babers did pull of an upset in the Carrier Dome last year over then #17 Va Tech.   ONE PROBLEM…THIS AINT VA. TECH!!   Clemson QB Bryant has an injured ankle but upgraded to probable for the game.  It will be ok either way.

Washington State Cougars 37  California Golden Bears  24

Cal HC Wilcox says “Everything is On the Table”…..what he doesn’t say is in California, that is required by state law #2,459,650,345,123,543  that comes right after the law stating you must say “Nancy Pelosi” 3 times to open any bathroom stall in the state.    Did note top Fullback recruit Opeti Fangup recently stated California is his “Dream School”…….only  problem is he later said he thought Erin Brockovich taught there and he thought she was Dreamy.    NOW, can Coach Pirate Leach lead the #8 Cougars to become 7-0?    Not sure..Why?  Because Leach says he wants 64 Teams in the CFB playoff and took 10 minutes to talk about the structure.  Notes the NCAA just “gives football to the NFL in December.”  Coach…remember these are college athletes and they do have finals!   Truth is Cougars have a very good QB in Falk and a solid defense.  When asked about playing so late in the Pac 12,  Leach said ” Anyone that wants to play before 10am or after 8pm is out of their mind…..noting much of my family was either at or conceived at Woodstock you should understand why.”  The question was around the effects on the fan base with late games but Leach quickly said ” Hey, I have been to the East Coast and the bars stay open till 4am so they are up anyway!”    Cougars take another one  & have a 3am Redhook Ale!

Wednesday Night Special…..Taking a page from HC Cutcliff at Duke when he noted how sorry he was to the high schools in Durham for playing on their nite ( Hint, Hint Cutfliff….you are Duke and should play on Friday Night )   ” I apologize to all the folks in the South who go to church on Wednesday Night for picking a football contest!”

Troy Trojans  31  South Alabama Jaguars 13

HC Neal Brown has revived the Trojans on top of the great foundation laid by long time HC Larry Blakeney.  Before I opine on the game, Blakeney is a great guy and was someone you could count on.  Personal Experience proved that to me!!

OK  ( wiping a tear away..)…..now here is the deal……Last time Troy was in this position, they were ranked #25 and were being talked about for many bowl games ( and some big ones!).  unfortunately, they listened to all the media hype and proceeded to get thumped by the Arkansas State Red Wolves.   This time, HC Brown called Little Nicky in T-town who said ” Unplug the cable and turn off the internet so your boys don’t take that stinkin Rat Poison being dished out by those media rodents!”  South Alabama comes in at 1-4 with a lone win over Alabama A & M.   HC Joey Jones (former Bama WR) notes QB Garvin will start after missing a few games with a bad ankle.  Expect to see plenty of Jaguar ground game featuring Xavier Johnson, who likely becomes their all-time leading rusher during the contest featured on ESPN2…….Trojans QB Silvers and RB Chunn are ready to show the CFB world ( other than those in Wednesday night church ) what they can do.   In the end, Trojan warriors kill the Jaguar mascot and send the carcass to a local Chinese buffet.

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